Painfully Living, Living Hopeful

The past two weeks have been rough.

Tough.

Hard to choke down.

Remembering the loss of a great inspiration and role model. One who was tactful with words and quick to put you in your place if need be. Intelligent and graceful with words in a way that captivates her audience. Strong in the fact that she hung on till her very last breath, until she was overcome with victory and met Jesus face to face. 4 years ago my friend Jill met her maker with arms wide open, sprinting to his gates as apposed to being bound to her chair, and singing his praises without difficulty as she had on this earth. What a sad, yet beautiful day and even though it makes me sad every year, I am glad that her suffering is now over and she has been made whole and perfect in His name.

"We are His portion and He is our prize. Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes. If grace, is an ocean we're all sinking. So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss and my heart turns violently inside of my chest. I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way, that He loves us."

9 years ago. I lost my best friend. My rock. My role model. My partner in crime and my shoulder to cry on. It happened so fast that my head still spins. One day he was teaching me about the Lord and soon met him. My you-can-call-him-my-brother lost his father and my buddy lost her daddy. My heart still aches for them because I know there is a spot missing in their hearts. This April me and my you-can-call-him-my-brother got similar tattoos together. We did not get them to be cliche. We did not get them to be bros and have matching tats. We got them because we have realized just because he isn't here with us on earth and we cannot talk to him now, that one day ill get to hug him again, and my you-can-call-him-my-brother will get to hear, "my best buddy" cried out to him in joy and happiness. 

"Turn, your ear, to Heaven, and hear the noise inside. The sound of angels awe the sound of angels songs and all this for a King. We could join and sing, all to Christ the King. How constant, how divine..."

Currently there is pain in our little insignificant world. There is hatred. There are mean people. Though I hold onto the joys that I have and the happiness that I have in the little things day-to-day, I cant help but look around in sadness. It hurts my heart the pain that some people are feeling. When I was in high school I prayed that God would "break my heart for what broke his" and He did it. 

My heart goes out to the children in school who may be a little different and receive the not-so-nice comments and bullying. 

My heart breaks for the ones who have made mistakes that cannot be changed and cannot seem to find happiness. 

My insides get all knotted up at the thought that so many people I love are wandering through this life searching for something and finding the wrong path. And it hurts to know that I could be a voice to them and lead them to Him and yet I cowardly sit there and say "you do you man"

I'm broken for the people who have lost loved ones whether by death or by the choice of the individual to leave and struggle with finding a purpose for their life now that their identity in someone else has gone. 

Lastly, I am disgusted with the way that Christians treat Christians, because if we dont stick together and fight for the right cause and continually lift one another up in our pursuit to go and make disciples then what sets us apart from the broken and hurting world.

All this has spiraled from a few of my friends recently becoming hurt. Becoming broken. And becoming lost. Not knowing what tomorrow holds and what the repercussions of their actions will bring. One losing someone that she thought meant the world to her and potentially having to uproot and move in hopes of finding herself and restoring her joy. One not knowing what tomorrow holds and living with the anxiety of the future. One trying to re-find his identity because the end of a relationship that probably happened for a reason. And another not ready for what potentially he will face for the rest of his life. The list could go on and on.

And sometimes it is a lot to handle. The amount of pain that some people feel is overwhelming, and all of my problems seem insignificant. And all I want to do is help. To be a shoulder. To be a voice of inspiration. To be a leader in the Promise.

"In this life I will stand, through my joy and my pain. Knowing there's a greater day, there's a Hope that never fails. Where your name is lifted high, and forever praises rise. For the glory of your name, I'm believing for the day."

And that Promise is what I cling to. The assurance that everything will come to an end and we will be made whole and happy again. The pledge that was made so many years ago. When I will get to see all of my friends and family that have gone. To hear their voices and to see their faces. The covenant that believers like me beg to be fulfilled. Come Lord please come. Quick.

Im about to do something I never do, and that is to quote a hymn. 

"When we all get to heaven, what a day of rejoicing that will be...When we all see Jesus, we'll sing and shout the victory!"

Clinging to the promise to ease me for now.

**Adios**