Where do we go from here?

Sometimes I come to a point where I ask myself...

What am I supposed to do next?

Growing up I have always been told that you should always tell the truth and that no matter what you are doing the right thing. Typically that was when my dad caught me in a lie and said, "if you tell me the truth now, your punishment wont be as bad if you lie to me". 

But what if the truth hurts someone?

What if the result from being honest does not result in a desirable end?

Is it okay to be honest if it changes everything?

When you know something, it can eat you alive.

It can make you crazy.

You'll end up a mess.

Doubting.

Confused

Lost.

But there is freedom in truth. The chains are broken, and no matter the result, you know you did the right thing. Because during your moments of tears, hurt, doubt, confusion...the truth is a definite direction.

Id rather head in a determined direction rather than aimlessly continue on...right?

I normally fault to praying when I feel confused. I normally seek for answers when I dont know. There is no stabbing in the dark when it comes to my decisions, because I fear being wrong.

"These are the things that you shall do: Speak the truth to one another; render in your gates judgments that are true and make for peace" Zechariah 8:16

Peace

Id like a little of that.

Peace in the choices that I make...

Peace in the direction that I am confused about...

Peace in the chaos and situations I cannot control...

Peace in letting go...and in holding on to...

Peace in the storm...and peace in the calm...

The only peace that I have consistently found is by taking a step back, a deep breath, and praying. 

I have always heard to not pray for patience, because something will be handed to you that you didnt expect. Since I have been handed a few things I already havent expected, praying for peach doesnt seem to bad.

Provision

There are a few things that have overwhelmed my spirits recently.

That I have enough (dollars that is)

That I am enough (for the people around me)

That I do enough (to consider myself successful)

That I remembered enough (with the 372473289 things I have to remember week-2-week)

That I cared enough (because sometimes I get to caught up in myself)

And over the recent days it hit me...

He has provided everything that I need.

I have an income (even though at times it feels like I need a second)

I have a home.

I have food.

I have clothes (and speaking of way too many).

I have friends that care about me.
I have grace for all the times I do/say/think stupid things.

I already have enough when I am going through the times I feel like I have fallen short...

And for that...

I am thankful.

Because He has proven to me yet again, that if I trust, He will provide.

So now,

It is time to relax, smell the roses (after a dose of claritin), enjoy the little things,

...and give thanks.

Full..

Sorry for such a long time between posts...but...life happens.

Do you remember being a child and accidentally walking in the pool, and stepping on the steep drop of doom and the water coming above your nose and you do that, "tip-toe-hop-remain calm" move. 

I hate that feeling.

Have you ever been riding a roller coaster and you get to a point where you're about to hurl and all you can think about is, "just hold on...its almost over....keep it together."

That is the worst.

My least favorite of all...when you have to use the bathroom...and traffic is going 1 mile a minute..and the, "my bladder is about to explode" crying thing that happens. 

Yeah, that sucks the worst.

Anxiety.

I have never been one to be anxious, to let things pile up and then explode. I have always been one to keep my cool and to vent at a normal rate. I have taken pride in being the one to not worry and that everything will be okay.

As I get older this is not the case. Here recently I have found myself worrying until I have lost sleep at night, letting my mind race and losing track, letting things build up until I just pour them over in tear form.

Stressed.

School.

New Job.

Internship.

Applying/Beginning Graduate School.

The M word (money).

Going To Church.

And then the normal things, like running out of dog food or wondering what to eat for dinner.

Here recently, I have been that kid just trying to breath.

That person trying to keep the sickness hidden and appearing to have a good time.

And trying not to let myself breakdown.

But, I broke. Tears. The blubbering at the stop light knowing some lady eating a cheeseburger can see me. And thank God for my roommate who does the, "its gonna be okay" slanty scared I am going to go ballistic reassurance.

There have been times where I know the ones who have already gone to meet the Maker are watching over me. And I love the times when they feel the need to inter-vein in my breakdowns as a form of reassurance. My favorite song, "Oh Praise Him" by David Crowder connects with one of those missed people. One that I miss dearly. One that I miss calling and just asking for advice, or just talking to about the weather. One that I cannot wait to see again. 

**choking crying feeling**

In that moment it came on the radio. Weird. It always happens like that doesnt it? When you feel like youre all alone and noone is listening, one of your personal angels says, "loser I'm still here quit that crying crap."

So I couldn't really handle listening to the whole song, just enough to hear a certain lyric and touch where I have it permanently on my body. So I turned off the bluetooth from my phone to the radio that was left on the local christian radio to hear this...

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your bod, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life"...

So I had to look up the rest....this was perfect.

"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do NOT worry, saying, 'what shall we eat?' or 'what shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear'. For the pagans run after all the things, and your heavenly father knows that you need them."

Wait what. **Kick in the teeth**

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as wel. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself...

Matthew 6:25-34

And I felt comfort. I gathered myself. 

Because everything will be okay.

We will be okay...because HE knows what we need, and we are more valuable than grass.

#morevaluablethangrass

A Weary World Rejoices....into 2015

The holidays were a ninja this year. They snuck up...appeared..and disappeared in a valiant swoop.

Leaving me turning.

I even caught myself at the mall yesterday asking where the bell ringers were.

I'm going to miss that annoying sound, because it meant in some capacity that the world acknowledged a reason for a season. Even if people didnt realize they were glorifying God in their decorations, their songs, the songs they played in their stores, or even the trees they put up in their houses.

A Weary World Rejoiced. 

I connect with that part from "O Holy Night"

"A thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices

For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn'

Fall on your knees, O hear the angels' voices

O night divine, O night when Christ was born

O night divine, O night divine"

The thrill of the holidays coming and the anticipation of the new year.

The, "no matter how tired I am I will go and participate in holiday shenanigans." tiredness.

The glorious break of the new year and new possibilities. 

Falling on my knees in reverence at the Christmas services.

Hearing the songs and people rejoicing.

And then it is gone.

And people discard their beloved Christmas tree they spent too much money and 5347894 hours to decorate.

The decorations are removed from stores and from the outside of people's homes.

And life continues...

Each year the holidays come and go and it amazes me how quickly we can fall back into the same pattern of school, work, families, obligations, sporting events, traffic, etc.....and how quickly we, I, forget.

I forget that not only in Christmas can I be happy.

can I remember.

can I sing.

can I start new.

Because with the break of each day is like Christmas. And yes life continues, but I can still remember. The price that was paid and the perfect birth that came like a soft winter snow to save us all.

And with each day, I can be thankful.

Hopeful.

Happy.

New.

Today at church we sang Beautiful Things by Gungor.

And I couldnt help but smile at the people singing that, 

"You make beautiful things out of dust, You make beautiful things out of us."

Because it is true. He made us beautiful through the birth and the sacrifice, and with each day that should be our focus. Our reminder. Without the tree and lights.

...2015, the weary world still rejoices.

Seasons Change, Briskly

In my life recently I have noticed one thing. And for me to write it down takes my breath away. Because this one word has scared me for a while. I dread it happening. My world is rocked when it happens. I cannot handle it. And it takes me months to develop a sense of understanding and to become ok with it.

Change

I know. I know. That took you all by surprise. 

I hate change.

HATE

I love getting into a routine and not having to think about what is going to happen next. I enjoy the same faces and the normal people in my life. I hold on to the relationships that are present tightly, and when something comes to mess that up I often am emotionally rocked. Things like:

Moving

Death

Changing Jobs

Changing Classes

It makes me crazy. UGH

And this is something that I have prayed about, worked on, looked for advice on, read books, read on ways to help, etc. I have made a valiant effort to become at least ok with the thought of change. I have done much better. Because this year should have its title changed from 2014 to YearofChange.

I have had job changes.

I have had friendship changes.

I have had family changes.

Apartment changes.

Pet changes.

The list goes on.

And this past week I did something I have never done.

I made a change.

Let's take a moment of silence....

I have been praying hard about a situation in my life that I knew I had to change. I have had this pull for a long time and I knew that it was the Holy Spirit. I tried to put it aside and keep on with my routine. I prayed that the feeling would stop. But two weeks ago it is almost like He slapped me in the face and told me it was time. I talked to a few people which I hold dear to my heart. I explained my feelings and the reason for said change to the ones I love the most. I was assured. I was understood. I was prayed for. 

And I was at peace.

I was ok.

I didnt start any gossip. I didnt go around and rage about it. I didnt cause a stink. I just silently went about what I thought was best. 

As my PRO got on the stage and sang I instantly knew that I was gonna tear up, but the song was so perfect.

And then...it hit me...but it was not a sad cry..it was a "im gonna be okay and this was for the best" cry.

"This is my prayer in the desert.

When all that's within me feels dry.

This is my prayer in my hunger and need,

My God is the God who provides.

I will bring praise,

I will bring praise.

No weapon formed against me shall remain.

I will rejoice,

I will declare,

God is my victory and He is here.

All of my life,

in every season

you are still God.

I have a reason to sing.

I have a reason to worship."

Because this hit me in a new way. One that made so much sense.

Season change

And it's ok.

Because in whatever season God throws my way, I still have a reason to sing and to worship.

This Is Not Our Home

This Sunday in church my friend, also the worship minister said something that has been on my mind. During the communion meditation he said, "I moved to Georgia and then back to Virginia and it just was not the same. Things had changed. The people changed. The town changed. I found myself feeling a little out of place. The place that I once called home was not my home anymore. At that point I realized that no matter where I am in the world I am thankful for the fact that this world is not my home. That there is a promise that He has given us that no matter where we are in life we can one day look forward to our forever home."

I consider Greenville my "home". It has many familiar faces. It has that smell. It has that crazy traffic that has turned me into a terrific driver. ;) It has the places that I like to go. It has my friends. It has my church. It has my job and my school. It has memories. It has happy times. It has sad times. It is the place I have met many people that I call close friends, and is also the places I have said goodbye to key people in my life until we meet again. I consider NC my home state for all the same reasons and I cannot see myself in another part of the country.

And yet there is this feeling as if I do not belong.

Not because someone has made me feel that way.

Not because I hate living here. 

Not because the town has become stale and uninteresting to my ever changing mind.

But I cannot see myself here forever, mainly because I know that one day I wont.

Because of His promise.

In the times of uncertainty.

In the times of trial.

Frustration.

Happiness.

Sadness.

Pain.

This is not my home. This world, is not my home.

There is this lady I have come to know, very well. She is wonderful. She is a smile that is sincere. She can cook. She is a great mom. A even better grand-mom. And I have grown to love her. And consider her apart of my family. But is evident that her time here is limited. This breaks a few hearts, including my own. And with mixed emotions I write this because the uncertainty, frustration, happiness, sadness, and pain are all present. Showing me that this world is not my home. It is not hers either. I am sad that she will not be here with me much longer. That I will not get that hug when I visit. Or her food that I each so much I literally can puke. I am frustrated that she will be taken from us. It pains me the amount of hurt that her "going" will cause. And yet I am happy in a weird way. Because she will soon be in her forever home. She will meet Him with arms wide open. Not sick anymore. Painless. Not sad. Overjoyed with happiness. 

Ironically this Sunday we sang another song that I barely made it through with a nice faced-composure. Because when I for real cry its ugly....very. It is by Hillsong United (if you dont listen to their music some may disagree but I love it). The title of the song is "You Hold Me Now." I know that I post music frequently, but it is a good tool to describe how I feel.

Click it to listen ...

"You Hold Me Now"

"On the day when I see
All that You have for me
When I see You face to face
There surrounded by Your grace

All my fears swept away
In the light of Your embrace
Where Your love is all I need
and forever I am free

Where the streets are made of gold
In Your presence healed and whole
Let the songs of heaven rise to You alone

No weeping
No hurt or pain
No suffering
You hold me now, You hold me now
No darkness
No sick or lame
No hiding
You hold me now, You hold me now

In this life I would stand
through my joy and my pain
Knowing there’s a greater day
There's a hope that never fades

Where Your name is lifted high
and forever praises rise
For the glory of Your name
I'm believing for the day

Where the wars and violence cease
All creation lives in peace
Let the songs of heaven rise to You alone"

Yet again I pray for the day to come quickly where there is no fears, no weeping, no hurt, no pain, no suffering, no darkness, no sick, no lame, no wars, no violence...only free-ness from sin, joy, hope, praises, and peace.

Come Lord quickly.

Don't Forget Their Stories

Kindness...

Its something that we have forgotten to do as a society.

Everyday I go to work and come in contact with tons of people on a day to day basis. People that I dont know. People that I do know. People that I choose to not know. People that are close to me. People that are not.

And sometimes I choose not to recognize that I dont know their story.

Everyone has one.

A choice made that impacted their life.

A decision from someone else that had an impact.

Something that is going on that they have no control over...

...and something that they can.

Whether or not the outcome is good or bad, it makes up their story.

We have all heard stories growing up. Ones of hope. Ones of laughter. Ones of sadness. Ones of times of trial. But in order to know the plot you must dive in and try to decipher the story. To figure out why the characters act the way they do. Their individual story. 

I think that society has decided to neglect the fact that life is a story. That every person in the world is a character in the greater scheme of things and that they have their own character plot goin' on. We neglect people have different situations. And we discard their story.

 Like they dont matter.

That their happiness does not matter.

That their pain does not matter.

That they are not worth our time.

That their hopes dont matter.

That they are insignificant.

And what English class has ever told you that a character is not important to a story?

Im sorry to the people I have chosen to treat as insignificant.

To the one who is hurting...im sorry...your pain will be overcome in His name.

To the one who is happy...im happy for you.

To the one who lost a loved one...I know what it is like.

To the one who has had a bad day...I feel you there buddy.

To the one who feels alone...we have all been there.

To the one who cant see anyone other than themselves...I am praying that your eyes are opened.

To the one who feels not pretty...you are perfect.

To the one who doesnt feel like they are good enough...I struggle with the too and you are enough!

To the one who is searching for a purpose...it will come...keep searching.

...and to the person who feels like they dont matter...you do...and I am sorry if I have ever made you feel that way.

Im going to try and be that smile that some people need...that laugh that brightens someones day...and that voice of comfort that some long for. It is so easy to forget that everyone has a story. Because I know I sure do...

"I truly believe, in spite of everything, that people are truly good at heart." -Anne Frank

We have just forgotten how to be...