This Is Not Our Home

This Sunday in church my friend, also the worship minister said something that has been on my mind. During the communion meditation he said, "I moved to Georgia and then back to Virginia and it just was not the same. Things had changed. The people changed. The town changed. I found myself feeling a little out of place. The place that I once called home was not my home anymore. At that point I realized that no matter where I am in the world I am thankful for the fact that this world is not my home. That there is a promise that He has given us that no matter where we are in life we can one day look forward to our forever home."

I consider Greenville my "home". It has many familiar faces. It has that smell. It has that crazy traffic that has turned me into a terrific driver. ;) It has the places that I like to go. It has my friends. It has my church. It has my job and my school. It has memories. It has happy times. It has sad times. It is the place I have met many people that I call close friends, and is also the places I have said goodbye to key people in my life until we meet again. I consider NC my home state for all the same reasons and I cannot see myself in another part of the country.

And yet there is this feeling as if I do not belong.

Not because someone has made me feel that way.

Not because I hate living here. 

Not because the town has become stale and uninteresting to my ever changing mind.

But I cannot see myself here forever, mainly because I know that one day I wont.

Because of His promise.

In the times of uncertainty.

In the times of trial.

Frustration.

Happiness.

Sadness.

Pain.

This is not my home. This world, is not my home.

There is this lady I have come to know, very well. She is wonderful. She is a smile that is sincere. She can cook. She is a great mom. A even better grand-mom. And I have grown to love her. And consider her apart of my family. But is evident that her time here is limited. This breaks a few hearts, including my own. And with mixed emotions I write this because the uncertainty, frustration, happiness, sadness, and pain are all present. Showing me that this world is not my home. It is not hers either. I am sad that she will not be here with me much longer. That I will not get that hug when I visit. Or her food that I each so much I literally can puke. I am frustrated that she will be taken from us. It pains me the amount of hurt that her "going" will cause. And yet I am happy in a weird way. Because she will soon be in her forever home. She will meet Him with arms wide open. Not sick anymore. Painless. Not sad. Overjoyed with happiness. 

Ironically this Sunday we sang another song that I barely made it through with a nice faced-composure. Because when I for real cry its ugly....very. It is by Hillsong United (if you dont listen to their music some may disagree but I love it). The title of the song is "You Hold Me Now." I know that I post music frequently, but it is a good tool to describe how I feel.

Click it to listen ...

"You Hold Me Now"

"On the day when I see
All that You have for me
When I see You face to face
There surrounded by Your grace

All my fears swept away
In the light of Your embrace
Where Your love is all I need
and forever I am free

Where the streets are made of gold
In Your presence healed and whole
Let the songs of heaven rise to You alone

No weeping
No hurt or pain
No suffering
You hold me now, You hold me now
No darkness
No sick or lame
No hiding
You hold me now, You hold me now

In this life I would stand
through my joy and my pain
Knowing there’s a greater day
There's a hope that never fades

Where Your name is lifted high
and forever praises rise
For the glory of Your name
I'm believing for the day

Where the wars and violence cease
All creation lives in peace
Let the songs of heaven rise to You alone"

Yet again I pray for the day to come quickly where there is no fears, no weeping, no hurt, no pain, no suffering, no darkness, no sick, no lame, no wars, no violence...only free-ness from sin, joy, hope, praises, and peace.

Come Lord quickly.

Don't Forget Their Stories

Kindness...

Its something that we have forgotten to do as a society.

Everyday I go to work and come in contact with tons of people on a day to day basis. People that I dont know. People that I do know. People that I choose to not know. People that are close to me. People that are not.

And sometimes I choose not to recognize that I dont know their story.

Everyone has one.

A choice made that impacted their life.

A decision from someone else that had an impact.

Something that is going on that they have no control over...

...and something that they can.

Whether or not the outcome is good or bad, it makes up their story.

We have all heard stories growing up. Ones of hope. Ones of laughter. Ones of sadness. Ones of times of trial. But in order to know the plot you must dive in and try to decipher the story. To figure out why the characters act the way they do. Their individual story. 

I think that society has decided to neglect the fact that life is a story. That every person in the world is a character in the greater scheme of things and that they have their own character plot goin' on. We neglect people have different situations. And we discard their story.

 Like they dont matter.

That their happiness does not matter.

That their pain does not matter.

That they are not worth our time.

That their hopes dont matter.

That they are insignificant.

And what English class has ever told you that a character is not important to a story?

Im sorry to the people I have chosen to treat as insignificant.

To the one who is hurting...im sorry...your pain will be overcome in His name.

To the one who is happy...im happy for you.

To the one who lost a loved one...I know what it is like.

To the one who has had a bad day...I feel you there buddy.

To the one who feels alone...we have all been there.

To the one who cant see anyone other than themselves...I am praying that your eyes are opened.

To the one who feels not pretty...you are perfect.

To the one who doesnt feel like they are good enough...I struggle with the too and you are enough!

To the one who is searching for a purpose...it will come...keep searching.

...and to the person who feels like they dont matter...you do...and I am sorry if I have ever made you feel that way.

Im going to try and be that smile that some people need...that laugh that brightens someones day...and that voice of comfort that some long for. It is so easy to forget that everyone has a story. Because I know I sure do...

"I truly believe, in spite of everything, that people are truly good at heart." -Anne Frank

We have just forgotten how to be...

Painfully Living, Living Hopeful

The past two weeks have been rough.

Tough.

Hard to choke down.

Remembering the loss of a great inspiration and role model. One who was tactful with words and quick to put you in your place if need be. Intelligent and graceful with words in a way that captivates her audience. Strong in the fact that she hung on till her very last breath, until she was overcome with victory and met Jesus face to face. 4 years ago my friend Jill met her maker with arms wide open, sprinting to his gates as apposed to being bound to her chair, and singing his praises without difficulty as she had on this earth. What a sad, yet beautiful day and even though it makes me sad every year, I am glad that her suffering is now over and she has been made whole and perfect in His name.

"We are His portion and He is our prize. Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes. If grace, is an ocean we're all sinking. So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss and my heart turns violently inside of my chest. I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way, that He loves us."

9 years ago. I lost my best friend. My rock. My role model. My partner in crime and my shoulder to cry on. It happened so fast that my head still spins. One day he was teaching me about the Lord and soon met him. My you-can-call-him-my-brother lost his father and my buddy lost her daddy. My heart still aches for them because I know there is a spot missing in their hearts. This April me and my you-can-call-him-my-brother got similar tattoos together. We did not get them to be cliche. We did not get them to be bros and have matching tats. We got them because we have realized just because he isn't here with us on earth and we cannot talk to him now, that one day ill get to hug him again, and my you-can-call-him-my-brother will get to hear, "my best buddy" cried out to him in joy and happiness. 

"Turn, your ear, to Heaven, and hear the noise inside. The sound of angels awe the sound of angels songs and all this for a King. We could join and sing, all to Christ the King. How constant, how divine..."

Currently there is pain in our little insignificant world. There is hatred. There are mean people. Though I hold onto the joys that I have and the happiness that I have in the little things day-to-day, I cant help but look around in sadness. It hurts my heart the pain that some people are feeling. When I was in high school I prayed that God would "break my heart for what broke his" and He did it. 

My heart goes out to the children in school who may be a little different and receive the not-so-nice comments and bullying. 

My heart breaks for the ones who have made mistakes that cannot be changed and cannot seem to find happiness. 

My insides get all knotted up at the thought that so many people I love are wandering through this life searching for something and finding the wrong path. And it hurts to know that I could be a voice to them and lead them to Him and yet I cowardly sit there and say "you do you man"

I'm broken for the people who have lost loved ones whether by death or by the choice of the individual to leave and struggle with finding a purpose for their life now that their identity in someone else has gone. 

Lastly, I am disgusted with the way that Christians treat Christians, because if we dont stick together and fight for the right cause and continually lift one another up in our pursuit to go and make disciples then what sets us apart from the broken and hurting world.

All this has spiraled from a few of my friends recently becoming hurt. Becoming broken. And becoming lost. Not knowing what tomorrow holds and what the repercussions of their actions will bring. One losing someone that she thought meant the world to her and potentially having to uproot and move in hopes of finding herself and restoring her joy. One not knowing what tomorrow holds and living with the anxiety of the future. One trying to re-find his identity because the end of a relationship that probably happened for a reason. And another not ready for what potentially he will face for the rest of his life. The list could go on and on.

And sometimes it is a lot to handle. The amount of pain that some people feel is overwhelming, and all of my problems seem insignificant. And all I want to do is help. To be a shoulder. To be a voice of inspiration. To be a leader in the Promise.

"In this life I will stand, through my joy and my pain. Knowing there's a greater day, there's a Hope that never fails. Where your name is lifted high, and forever praises rise. For the glory of your name, I'm believing for the day."

And that Promise is what I cling to. The assurance that everything will come to an end and we will be made whole and happy again. The pledge that was made so many years ago. When I will get to see all of my friends and family that have gone. To hear their voices and to see their faces. The covenant that believers like me beg to be fulfilled. Come Lord please come. Quick.

Im about to do something I never do, and that is to quote a hymn. 

"When we all get to heaven, what a day of rejoicing that will be...When we all see Jesus, we'll sing and shout the victory!"

Clinging to the promise to ease me for now.

**Adios**

Remembrance

Whenever people look back into their lives they are doing this thing called remembering. The act of reflecting on something that has previously happened whether it be an adventure like slaying dragons and conquering new lands, or throwing a party for a close friend. Regardless of what you remember, it amazes me how you have so much emotions connected to something that can only be seen if you sit back and close your eyes for a split second.

A split second.

That's how long it takes to remember possibly a pretty lengthy event

But sometimes remembering something or someone is not a pleasant experience for people,...me. Yesterday marked fours years that I said goodbye to a close friend of mine and in a few days another. This is a very hard week for me. Two of my biggest role models, two of my best friends, and two of the strongest Christians I have every known met Jesus this week (in different years of course) withing a weeks time-span. 

And then I begin to remember.

The words of encouragement. The perfect hugs. The long talks about life and what it meant to make mine special and meaningful. The day they became ill. The buckets of tears cried. The last conversation. The last goodbye said. The last hug that I never wanted to end. And last but not least, the memorial services to honor their lives and how they have made an impact on so many people.

And then of course I cry because that is what I do. And I get sad. And wonder why they had to leave me so early. Why I cant have just one more phone call, conversation, smile, or hug.

But its going to be ok. I think I can cry about it at least once a year right?

Because I also remember a promise.

" Do not let your heart be troubled; believe in God, believe also in Me. In My Father’s house are many dwelling places; if it were not so, I would have told you; for I go to prepare a place for you. 3 If I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself, that where I am, there you may be also." John 14:1-3 (NASB)

Perfect. And then another promise...

"..and He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away." Revelation 21:4

I know that I will see my friends again someday. And currently it hurts, but I cannot wait to see Jesus face to face, have him wipe every tear away, every pain I have experienced, and be reunited with my loved ones again.

So what to do while I am here? Well...I think it is to create more memories. So that when people remember me they smile and not furrow their eye brows. To smile more and the stranger passing by. To laugh more even if the joke told was not funny. To befriend more even if the person may be weird. To share the love that I experienced through my friends that have gone to meet Jesus, who is the one who shared love with them. To make a difference and not be a stagnant person in society.

"He is jealous for me, loves like a hurricane I am a tree. Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy.."

"Turn, your ear, to Heaven, and hear, the noise inside..."

I want to be remembered.