That is a word that I have enjoyed seeing over the past years. I love reading other people's posts.
Some people write and it is a source of happiness and is a quick way to laugh when feeling down.
Others make me appreciate the life that I have and that I have the opinions that I do.
And then there are some that are capable of making me evaluate myself as early as 7:30 in the morning, when I am barely able to keep my eyes open. Words that go directly to my heart.
**Insert punch in the face here**
Blogging is defined under some websites online as "a online journal that allows people to write about important things in their lives they prefer not to talk about."
Bingo.
For a long time I have kept it together. I have been able to put on this mask that I leave on my desk as I crawl into bed and try and do this thing called "sleep" when I have a forty pound dog laying across my face only to wake up the next morning and readjust my mask. I normally continue on my day-to-day life smiling and being the fun person that everyone loves. The person that everyone enjoys seeing. The person that seems to have this glow and talent for keeping people entertained even though on the inside, the glow is a little less than illuminated.
Talking about myself to other people is not what I like to do.
I can't.
Id rather bear the burdens of everyone else than have my load on someone else's shoulder.
After reading that definition of blogging, maybe this could be good for me. To be able to get what I am feeling out on paper instead of keeping it inside and letting it etch away at the glow that people enjoy.
Because I like making people laugh. And smile. Even if my day has sucked. Or past 6 months. I could say that the past half of a year has been equal to the griffon. Was going way up, got to the top, looked down at what could be down there, hesitated, then everything went plummeting down.
School is going great (finally). I had two jobs and made ends meet all by myself. I had friends that had my back, or at least I thought they did. I didn't need to search for anything else. I had it all. I was completely content, but there still seemed to be something missing but, whatever, you only live once right? #YOLO?
I got fired from one of my jobs. One that I had worked at for 7 years with little explanation or conversation about the matter, and the whole situation was out of my control. It was not my fault. And I was an example. I chose to go out with dignity. To not say exactly what I thought about those WONDERFUL people. To not make a scene or lower my self-image in front of a lot of people. To not be disrespectful and hurtful as I had been treated. I was searching for answers in a place that didn't have any.
God had a plan, but I had to let go of control.
That started the change in routine and if you know me, I hate change. HATE, Loathe. Despise.
Quickly after I lost someone that meant a lot to me. Not to death but to the world. I lost a lot of time spent. I lost a lot of emotions spent. And when I thought that I was good enough for someone, some group of people, I was quickly shot down. But that is okay, because I will not lower my standards to fit into a group where fun is the main point instead of friendship. Another unexpected change. Bummer.
God had a plan, but I had to let go of control.
Letting go is something I have had to learn how to do. But it is hard. Praying for Him to direct me, without seeing direct results. I am not patient. But patience is something that I have had to learn, through many blows to the self esteem.
So when I was at the bottom I did what all "good" Christians do. I prayed. I prayed for forgiveness; because I had not been the Christ follower I had wanted to be. I prayed for joy, that it would be restored. I prayed for direction, because my life compass was all out of whack. And last but not lease I prayed for peace, so that I would feel His presence in my life and that I would trust him no matter what storm came or waters I was forced to walk on.
On Sunday's the band has a time during the first service where we take our own communion and talk about our lives and what was new. Of course I had kept everything to myself over the past few months. One person in the band was clearly not okay. Her face said it when she came on the stage for practice and quickly had to leave to go compose herself. I understood. My heart ached that someone I looked up to, a great mother, great singer, great Christian, and great friend was hurting to the point she was not able to fight back the tears. We went to the room to have our weekly talk and she lost it again. My heart was broken. She said something that I will never forget.
She said, "I am just experiencing a lot of negativity, and my joy has been taken. But it will be okay, I will make it through."
You are not alone my friend. I was not alone. And then it hit me. I had been searching for someone to know what I was going through. For someone to let me vent, and have the right thing to say. For a quick fix. For someone to understand.
I had what I had been searching for all along. I had people to talk to. I had someone to vent to. I had friends that cared about me. And I had a God watching over me leading me in His will, I just had to learn to accept it.
And then my joy was slowly being restored.
I was driving back to camp and my iphone shuffled through my songs and then Oceans-by Hillsong United came on. Let's talk about a blow to my heart. And when it got to the chorus I had one of those times. Where the ugly is uncontrollable. Luckily I was alone so I could be as ugly as my heart needed to. If you have never heard the song it goes like this...
"You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown, where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep, my faith will stand
And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours, and You are mine
Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed, and You won't start now
So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours, and You are mine
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior"
**Insert ugly face here**
In case you want to hear it > Oceans - Where Feet May Fail
This is something I can get used to.
This whole "letting it out" thing.
Hold the fort down 'till I find time to do this again.
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