Stand Guard

Serious talks with people you really care about are great. For me, its more than just talking. For me its being able to give and gain. I believe in economics class we called that being mutually beneficial but do not hold me to it considering I made the sixth letter in the alphabet in that class (I know you just counted which one it was because so did I and I will say its the only class in my life to fail). 

After our conversation was over I decided to have some prayer time. To go off and sit by myself (which is rare at a camp where weekly there are 100+ people and most of them are thirteen and under). To let my mind think and clear itself enough to pray effectively and not be distracted by thoughts of "did I order that" or "I forgot to change that trash can" (CRAP). I have found that for me being able to slow down and just sit and think can go two ways...

It can be uplifting..

or..

it can cause me to over think and make myself a tad bit irrational. 

Tonight I am happy to say that I have good news from my alone time.

Just so you know where my "alone" time has to be, I am sitting on the upper stage near the stairs to the class room behind the piano; if you come to camp that makes sense. 

I was sitting there thinking about my week and how blessed I was for the conversations that I have had, the people I have gotten to see that I have not seen in a long time, and for the strategic placing that He has with the people in my life.While thinking I received a text message from one of those daily bible verse things that always text you in the most random times with something off the wall that has nothing to do with where you are right now.

Eh, this one made sense.

The verse was from Proverbs 4:23 and it said "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it."

WOW.

Take a second and re-read that.

One more time go back.

"Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it."

The way that I interpret that (and take what I say as not necessarily right because I am far from a bible expert) is that through everything that we go through in life, for everything that happens, for everything that we put into our heart and choose to pour out, we need to stand guard.

We should be careful about what we take to the heart, because everything that pours out of us comes from our heart.

The negativity people tend to throw at you...

The selfishness of the world...

The relationships that we have...

We need to stand guard.

It is clear that we should be careful of who we let in and we should be responsible for watching what catches our heart strings, because our whole life depends on it. What you put in, is what you pour out.

And with that thought I think that the bible is very clear in saying that not every relationship, every connection, every person in our life is worth allowing to connect with our heart. 

YES, its okay to let go of some people.

That there is a difference with being loving toward someone and having our heart misled and lied to. I do not believe that we should just hate everyone because everyone is incapable of being perfect, but I do think that this verse has helped me see that when some people walk out of your life and you have to let them go.

...its completely biblical.

Reason? Because I am supposed to guard my heart so that in response to what goes in, only compassion and love gets poured out.

If I can pour out just love and compassion, then I have to be doing something right. More like Jesus..right?

Because what the world needs now is not money...(money cant buy happiness and a pathway to heaven)

is not hope... (dont just stand around and say there are problems in the world dag-on-it do something about it!)

is not new government...(it all sucks in a way)

is not more education...(smart people are dumb too)

is not peace...(that will never come when there is more than one person on the planet)

but love. If love can first happen I truly believe that the rest will follow.

But it all starts from the heart. So guard it. And let what is beneficial for the kingdom and for your own life be the only thing let in.

I'm out

Astounded

There have been many times in my life where I have been at a lost for words. If you know me...that is a miracle in itself.

I always have something clever to say. 

Normally...something sarcastic and witty thanks to many of my friends who are that way.

Sometimes I have something deep and meaningful with a paragraph of explanation attached and underlying meanings.

Rarely...occasionally...do I find myself blindsided by an outside force.

Consider me blind.

This week left me astounded.

This week at camp was the senior high week. High school teens come and by Thursday they get it. This week was a little different. We had a smaller group come. Some may look at that as a bad thing, as do I sometimes considering I work for the camp. I quickly had my opinion changed. I saw from Sunday night that this smaller sized group was perfect. The campers were divided up into teams by gender and then again by their grade. The first night at their small group meetings I sat back and watched. They laughed, cried, prayed...on SUNDAY NIGHT PEOPLE. The next night was the first night of official worship. Normally at camp it takes a few days for everyone to realize that this is the time that you are supposed to pour your heart out and release control. 

He was present and it was evident. 

I stood amazed at the hearts beginning to soften, at the sound of the voices being lifted up, and for the lives that were about to be changed.

Including my own.

Each day after that was even more incredible.

The last night I was able to join my best friend and a few others in the band in leading the final night of worship. If you have ever been to camp you know this is where the tears flow, the decisions are made, and His presence is felt by every person in the room no matter how hard you try and hold onto the control and comfort-zone you had.

Looking out in the crowd that was singing, lifting their hands, and pouring their hearts (and tears) was...astounding. I tried to remain in my own zone and not be distracted, but that was impossible if you saw what I saw. 

To the girl that has a broken heart because her dad is battling cancer and does not have but a few days left to live. 

To the guy who has to fight for everything he has including the clothes on his back. 

To another camper who has come so far in her life from being abused and left wrecked.  

To the counselor who feels like she is not the best Christian in her day-to-day life.

To the camper who has been picked on to the point to where she feels like her life is insignificant and fears He does not know her name anymore.

To the dude who experienced Jesus for the first time this week.

To the three who were baptized and accepted the Lord as their personal savior and accepted the free gift of Grace and forgiveness. 

To the camp staff who struggles to decide what she is going to do with her life but knows she wants to make a difference.

I stood on that stage and sang my heart out and I think that there is one word for all of this that brings it all together. 

Amen.(sorry for the video quality)

And to myself. Who at the beginning of the week struggled to keep myself above the waves, am finding myself walking on the waters, hopefully being lead without boarders, wherever You are calling me.

Amen.

My favorite song that we sang this week is called You Make Me Brave by Bethel Music. If you have not heard it I think it fits perfect for every person in the room this week. It goes like this...

"I stand before You now

The greatness of your renown

I have heard of the majesty and wonder of you

King of Heaven, in humility, I bow

As Your love, in wave after wave

Crashes over me, crashes over me

For You are for us

You are not against us

Champion of Heaven

You made a way for all to enter in

I have heard You calling my name

I have heard the song of love that You sing

So I will let You draw me out beyond the shore

Into Your grace

Into Your grace

You make me brave

You make me brave

You call me out beyond the shore into the waves

You make me brave

You make me brave

No fear can hinder now the love that made a way

You make me brave

You make me brave

You call me out beyond the shore into the waves

You make me brave

You make me brave

No fear can hinder now the promises you made"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OVg9ShqUj2I

I Thank you for making me, us brave. For calling us beyond the shores. For being for us and not against us. And for making us a way with whatever baggage we have to carry to enter into your Grace and into your kingdom.

Thank you.

Amen.

Tornado? Not talking about the weather..

What a week.

Physically...

Emotionally...

Spritually...

Exhausted

90+ campers, 20ish staff, 90 degree weather, 7 tired camp staff members = why I love my job.

Want to know why we are tired?

The meals..

The games...

The GaGa...

The Small Group bible studies...

It all may be crazy. It all may make us tired...and sometimes patience may run thin. In the end I stand amazed at the work God is doing at the camp.

The work he is doing through the campers that come through the gates. The work he does in the counselors that I see pouring their hearts out to the children that need it most. The lives that leave changed for the better knowing that "God does love them...and so do we"

Not only to the campers leave this way...

...or the counselors...

...but myself included. I am continually reminded of the grace extended to me, and the love that surrounds me even when the fog is thick...

...and a storm is coming...

...or when i'm in the eye of the hurricane...

On Sunday's at 2:00pm I come ready to work for the camp, but at 2:01 I realize that I am doing His work. With a bunch of amazing people who I should thank Him for...more than I already do. Because they keep me going. (even if I unfriend them periodically throughout the week for threatening to quit lol)

The Joey...

The Boss...

Crazy trips to walmart in a monsoon...

Dangerously painting buildings...

Fighting over who won...

Stealing my phone....alot....

The girl that never stops eating...

Food service...which we harugely hate at times

Bro Time...

The Friend...

The Lifeguard assistants

And the one who makes it all possible...even if it's through seeing his glory and beauty all around...

I am blessed.

"Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last, but we do it to get a crown that will last forever." 1 Corinthians 9:25-25

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=3l87PbnNSk8

http://youtu.be/KQpf61DjRPs

Later...

Day 2 - It's War...

With my post yesterday I have realized something.

I have a lot to be thankful for...

and to be joyful about.

I have let things in this world steal my joy. I have had enough of that.

No more letting people make me feel bad about myself...

No more stressing over what is unimportant...

No more caving into what society has to say...

No more letting my thoughts and fears take over my life...

No more...of Satan letting himself in, and stealing my joy.

That. Is. Over. The battle I have considered myself to be in was not a fault of others. Circumstances. Coincidences. Luck. It was Satan..and I'm doing my best to break free.

"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. (Ephesians 6:23)"

I have a lot to be joyful about.

I work at the most beautiful place on earth with the best people...

I have the cutest pets...ever

and this one came later :)

My friends have beautiful kids that I adore (and they like me back)

I have some pretty great friends if I dont say so myself..

and this guy is great too..really the best ever..(I dont have space to include everyone so I still love you)

and the typical Will and Rachel pic..

this guy is my rock..

I have a pretty decent family (we all have THOSE people)

Just give me some time...i'll get back to joy status of 100%.

It just takes time.

The beauty of it all is that there is a light into the darkness that I feel like we all experience, we just have to follow it.

Later...

Day 1 - Only up from here

Blogging.

That is a word that I have enjoyed seeing over the past years. I love reading other people's posts. 

Some people write and it is a source of happiness and is a quick way to laugh when feeling down. 

Others make me appreciate the life that I have and that I have the opinions that I do. 

And then there are some that are capable of making me evaluate myself as early as 7:30 in the morning, when I am barely able to keep my eyes open. Words that go directly to my heart. 

**Insert punch in the face here**

Blogging is defined under some websites online as "a online journal that allows people to write about important things in their lives they prefer not to talk about."

Bingo. 

For a long time I have kept it together. I have been able to put on this mask that I leave on my desk as I crawl into bed and try and do this thing called "sleep" when I have a forty pound dog laying across my face only to wake up the next morning and readjust my mask. I normally continue on my day-to-day life smiling and being the fun person that everyone loves. The person that everyone enjoys seeing. The person that seems to have this glow and talent for keeping people entertained even though on the inside, the glow is a little less than illuminated.

Talking about myself to other people is not what I like to do.

I can't.

Id rather bear the burdens of everyone else than have my load on someone else's shoulder.

After reading that definition of blogging, maybe this could be good for me. To be able to get what I am feeling out on paper instead of keeping it inside and letting it etch away at the glow that people enjoy.

Because I like making people laugh. And smile. Even if my day has sucked. Or past 6 months. I could say that the past half of a year has been equal to the griffon. Was going way up, got to the top, looked down at what could be down there, hesitated, then everything went plummeting down.

School is going great (finally). I had two jobs and made ends meet all by myself. I had friends that had my back, or at least I thought they did. I didn't need to search for anything else. I had it all. I was completely content, but there still seemed to be something missing but, whatever, you only live once right? #YOLO?

I got fired from one of my jobs. One that I had worked at for 7 years with little explanation or conversation about the matter, and the whole situation was out of my control. It was not my fault. And I was an example. I chose to go out with dignity. To not say exactly what I thought about those WONDERFUL people. To not make a scene or lower my self-image in front of a lot of people. To not be disrespectful and hurtful as I had been treated. I was searching for answers in a place that didn't have any.

God had a plan, but I had to let go of control.

That started the change in routine and if you know me, I hate change. HATE, Loathe. Despise. 

Quickly after I lost someone that meant a lot to me. Not to death but to the world. I lost a lot of time spent. I lost a lot of emotions spent. And when I thought that I was good enough for someone, some group of people, I was quickly shot down. But that is okay, because I will not lower my standards to fit into a group where fun is the main point instead of friendship. Another unexpected change. Bummer. 

God had a plan, but I had to let go of control.

Letting go is something I have had to learn how to do. But it is hard. Praying for Him to direct me, without seeing direct results. I am not patient. But patience is something that I have had to learn, through many blows to the self esteem.

So when I was at the bottom I did what all "good" Christians do. I prayed. I prayed for forgiveness; because I had not been the Christ follower I had wanted to be. I prayed for joy, that it would be restored. I prayed for direction, because my life compass was all out of whack. And last but not lease I prayed for peace, so that I would feel His presence in my life and that I would trust him no matter what storm came or waters I was forced to walk on.

On Sunday's the band has a time during the first service where we take our own communion and talk about our lives and what was new. Of course I had kept everything to myself over the past few months. One person in the band was clearly not okay. Her face said it when she came on the stage for practice and quickly had to leave to go compose herself. I understood. My heart ached that someone I looked up to, a great mother, great singer, great Christian, and great friend was hurting to the point she was not able to fight back the tears. We went to the room to have our weekly talk and she lost it again. My heart was broken. She said something that I will never forget. 

She said, "I am just experiencing a lot of negativity, and my joy has been taken. But it will be okay, I will make it through."

You are not alone my friend. I was not alone. And then it hit me. I had been searching for someone to know what I was going through. For someone to let me vent, and have the right thing to say. For a quick fix. For someone to understand.

I had what I had been searching for all along. I had people to talk to. I had someone to vent to. I had friends that cared about me. And I had a God watching over me leading me in His will, I just had to learn to accept it. 

And then my joy was slowly being restored. 

I was driving back to camp and my iphone shuffled through my songs and then Oceans-by Hillsong United came on. Let's talk about a blow to my heart. And when it got to the chorus I had one of those times. Where the ugly is uncontrollable. Luckily I was alone so I could be as ugly as my heart needed to. If you have never heard the song it goes like this...

"You call me out upon the waters

The great unknown, where feet may fail

And there I find You in the mystery

In oceans deep, my faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise

My soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours, and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters

Your sovereign hand will be my guide

Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me

You've never failed, and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise

My soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours, and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior"

**Insert ugly face here**

In case you want to hear it > Oceans - Where Feet May Fail

This is something I can get used to.

This whole "letting it out" thing.

Hold the fort down 'till I find time to do this again.